Decisions, decisions...

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I recently read an article about how a baby’s cells transfer to mum during pregnancy, and how they can remain in mums body forever. How a baby literally becomes a part of her. How amazing is that?

There was a time where I couldn’t imagine how a baby would ever fit into our life, but true to the old cliché, from the moment The Bean was born I have struggled to imagine a life without her. Now that we are trying for number two, I have found myself wondering how we will fit another baby into our lives (and our little home). This time around I am approaching the idea of falling pregnant with a lot more excitement and a little less anxiety.*

A place for adventure

When we bought our first home a few years ago we didn’t give much thought to the massive park at the end of the street. It is only now that we have a toddler that we are realising just how big a part it is going to play in our family, and how many childhood memories it will provide for The Bean. It is an amazing, beautifully maintained space.

The park brings a vibrant feel to our neighbourhood that is usually lacking in this sleepy town. Some days it seems it is almost a living thing—when the sky is grey and the park is empty, it appears lonely and bereft. When the sun is shining the park hums with noise and activity and the energy is tangible.

Just three things?

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” Lao Tzu

In my darker moments it is easy to focus on things I perceive to be wrong with my life or the world at large. It can be easy to get caught in a downward spiral of regret, resentment and despair.

I once started a ‘gratitude journal’ where I was to write down three things at the end of each day that I was grateful for. My journal lasted exactly one day. It struck me as ridiculous that I should have to sit down and think about three things when there are countless things that I am grateful for each and every day. How could I possibly narrow it down to just three?

Past, present and future

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu

I can’t pinpoint what triggered many of my fears, nor can I provide any rational explanation for them. I can however pinpoint the day that my life took a course that I wasn’t expecting – a life that became riddled with doubt, insecurity and fear.

My first panic attack was dramatic, unexpected, and without an obvious trigger. I was 18 years old, it was the middle of the day, one moment I was driving along the highway and the next I was screeching to a halt on the gravel shoulder having crossed three lanes of traffic.

Red and yellow and pink and green...

The Bean and I had a lovely day celebrating Father’s Day, albeit without dada. The nature of my husband’s work means that he works shifts, and rarely knows if he is going to finish on time. Typically of a special occasion, he ended up having to do overtime today.

The Bean and I did some drawing in the morning, chased the cats around for a while, and practised counting (…eight, nine, ten, yellow). We had a walk and then a picnic in the park in the gorgeous Canberra spring sunshine for lunch. We put on a Play School CD and danced around the dining room together. We curled up on the couch and read “Har Carly” (Hairy Maclary) and ‘Where is the Green Sheep’ before her afternoon sleep. All in all a perfect, relaxed day with my little girl, but of course there was one thing missing…