My anxiety levels had peaked and troughed for many years, with the most significant impact being on my driving. Driving became something that made me fearful and certain roads became no-go areas. Driving alone was virtually impossible. I asked people to drive me places and made excuses as to why, I inconvenienced myself with public transport, I chose work closer to home and I became very isolated. I think on some level I even put off having children because that would mean that I would actually have to drive places.
Over the years I began to share my fear with others, often only because I had to. Many people said that once I had a baby I would just do what I had to do and my fears would be pushed aside. After my fear of flying course gave me such an incredible confidence boost and after successfully negotiating pregnancy and the birth of The Bean, I thought my anxiety might be gone for good. For a short time I felt like having a baby had given me the power to do anything.
Over the course of my maternity leave I found myself slipping back into my old ways. If I had plans to go somewhere I would mentally rehearse my journey for days. Sometimes the anxiety became overwhelming and I found myself confined to the house again. So much for my new found ‘power’...
Some days the universe seemed to be conspiring against me, to challenge my attempts at freedom. A lovely catch up with friends hampered by a terrifying drive through torrential rain set me back. It was not quite as terrible as witnessing a baby being pulled (alive and well thankfully) from a wrecked car while I was on the way to my mother’s - a journey that had taken me weeks of mental rehearsal was quickly brought undone.
I had a wonderful year at home with my baby girl, but I know I could have done more and spent more time with my new found mummy friends if I felt I had more freedom. Adding to the random things to feel guilty about that come with being a parent, I found myself feeling like a failure because I couldn’t get out and about enough with The Bean.
On the flipside, there were days where I felt I could take on the world and in my own small way I did. Simply meeting friends for a picnic in a place I hadn’t driven myself in years was a huge achievement that made me feel like perhaps I didn't need to be trapped forever after all...
I also realised that I could do away with the guilt. The Bean doesn’t care where we are or what we are doing, as long as she is with the people she loves.
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