Fear and love

As I enter my third trimester (eeep!) my anxiety about what lies ahead is slowly but surely starting to build. Like the first time around, my anxiety is less about having a baby than having a baby—experiencing labour and birth once before has not really eased any fears and doubts that I had before (except that I am now absolutely certain that a hospital is where I want to be). 

By the time I went into labour with The Bean I felt more excitement and confidence than fear and doubt. Right at this moment I feel I am lacking whatever it is I need to bring a new baby into the world with a mindset of strength and peace.

Aside from pregnancy anxiety I have found my general anxiety growing just worrying about day to day things like keeping The Bean safe, healthy and happy. I find it hard to put into words just how much I love her. Hand in hand with this love comes fear—fear of losing her, fear of her being unhappy, fear of her being lonely, scared, hurt, and the list goes on. 

It seems the greater my love grows the greater the fear. When I think about how, very soon, my capacity to love my children will double, I can't help but think about how much more fear and anxiety I will be opening myself up to. It's not the right way to be thinking and I really need to get a handle on things before Pumpkin makes her entrance...