Dropping her off at grandma’s for an afternoon I found myself crying on the way home for no good reason. I almost turned the car around and rushed back to her side because for some reason I felt like I was never going to see her again. The feeling was uncontrollable; unbearable; almost panic inducing.
Her latest morning routine involves waking up at first light and calling out "I'm awake mama. Can I come into your bed for a huggle?" (Who could resist, honestly?) Clutching her comfort toys she will crawl into bed between us and drift off back to sleep. One morning recently I found myself unable to snooze along with her, instead I lay there with terrible thoughts looping through my head as I watched her sleep. It seemed that every terrible story I had ever heard about a child coming to harm entered my mind and I couldn’t fight them off. From thoughts close to home like imagining her lonely or scared, to tragic events happening a world away, every intrusive thought felt like I was being punched.
When she finally stirred she reached an arm around my neck and her daddy's neck, pulled our heads against hers, and with her eyes closed and a soft, dreamy smile on her face said "my family..." It was a moment so sweet it broke my heart, at the same time intensifying the sick feeling in my stomach that I get when I imagine that one day I might lose her.
I can't quite figure out the link between the impending arrival of Pumpkin and these new feelings about The Bean. Perhaps it will mean having to let her go a little bit more than I think I am ready for. Perhaps it has something to do with her losing her title as the centre of my universe—a role she will now have to share. Perhaps deep down I am terrified that she will resent me for the upheaval that is about to happen in her life, and she’ll decide she no longer needs me…
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