Past, present and future

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu

I can’t pinpoint what triggered many of my fears, nor can I provide any rational explanation for them. I can however pinpoint the day that my life took a course that I wasn’t expecting – a life that became riddled with doubt, insecurity and fear.

My first panic attack was dramatic, unexpected, and without an obvious trigger. I was 18 years old, it was the middle of the day, one moment I was driving along the highway and the next I was screeching to a halt on the gravel shoulder having crossed three lanes of traffic.

I was on my hands and knees next to my car when a kindly couple stopped and called for help. What followed felt terrifying—why am I in an ambulance? Have I had an accident? Is anyone hurt? What is that needle in my arm? Why am I in this machine? Why is there an extremely painful needle in my spine? And where is my mum (because mums can fix everything of course)?

Twelve hours later after countless tests, the doctors informed me that they believed I had suffered a panic attack. That’s it. No how, no why, just… a panic attack.

The cycle of anxiety and panic attacks that followed have profoundly affected almost every aspect of my life since. It is difficult to describe to someone who has never experienced sheer panic just how insidious the fear is. There is no rhyme or reason, there is no sense or sensibility, there is just panic, anxiety, fear, insecurity and self-doubt.

Lao Tzu also said “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”

I appreciate the sentiment, but I like to imagine that life is not as cut and dried as this. I just don’t believe that it is possible to live in the present without thinking about the past or the future.

Now that I am beginning to have more peaceful days and fewer anxious ones, the future is looking very bright indeed.

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