Hyvää Joulua!

At the tender age of 20 months The Bean has barely begun to understand Christmas and all it entails, but what a lovely couple of days we have had.

I’ve heard parents say that the best part of Christmas celebrations is watching the excitement as their child opens their presents, and I think I’m beginning to understand that sentiment. The Bean was carefully tearing the wrapping of a gift when she exclaimed “Oh WOW! Oh WOW! Elli HAPPY!” It was one of the first times I have heard her describe her own emotional state and, combined with the sheer joy on her face, it brought a tear to my eye.

Shutterbug

Over the weekend the unthinkable happened—my DSLR died. It's probably fair to say that I in fact killed it with over-use. That camera was my faithful companion for the last four years capturing over 100,000 moments in time. My camera feels like an extension of myself, so of course it all of a sudden felt like a piece of me was missing. From capturing family, friends, pets and wildlife, to traveling the world with me, and capturing the birth of my beautiful daughter, the camera has been like a trusted friend. 

Going bush

Just 20 minutes from our home is a beautiful nature reserve that is back to its former glory after bushfires devastated the area almost 10 years ago. Tidbinbilla holds a special place in my heart—I did my work experience there as a teen and spent a lot of time visiting the reserve back when I was still dreaming of becoming a park ranger.

I have such wonderful memories of the time I spent there, not least of all experiencing all of the beautiful and unique wildlife that inhabited the area. Sadly, ninety percent of the animals lost their lives in the fires, but today the population is flourishing once more.

Little Treasures

I started a collection of little treasures for The Bean when she was born. How I managed to do this during the haze of new motherhood I don’t know, but looking through the little collection recently I was quite impressed with my early efforts.

From my maternity record to her christening outfit, her ultrasound images to the census form from the year of her birth—the collection includes toys and 'things' and 'stuff' I hope she will treasure someday.

Perhaps the most sentimental items are the greeting cards given to me at her baby shower; on the occasion of her birth; her christening, and her first birthday. They provide a beautiful snapshot of our family and friends—words of love, humorous anecdotes and heartfelt sentiments abound. I hope that when she explores the collection as she grows, she will understand what it means to have such an amazing network of family and friends surrounding her. No matter what, she will always be loved and she will always have a safe place in this world.

My own treasure chest includes the tens of thousands of photographs I have taken— compulsively —of The Bean since she was born - it's all too easy with a digital camera or a phone. While I would like to include CDs of my favourite photographs that record each year of her life, the task of sorting through them is quite daunting. One day I will make it happen… but for now I will continue to work on this year’s letter to our darling girl, where I will try my very best to put into words how much we treasure her.

Pigs will fly

This beautifully made clip about the realities of factory farming gave me cause to think about The Bean and wonder how I will explain to her one day where some food comes from. The Make It Possible video notes that from birth, we are drawn to animals. It points out that we only have to look to children to see that kindness towards animals is natural and inherent to the human species.

Oopsy Daisy

Sunday was a gorgeous day to spend at home with The Bean. I pottered around tidying the garden while she was enthralled with her sand and water play table. A warm bath followed and a picnic in the lounge room made for an idyllic morning.

I was enjoying the very sweet sight of The Bean lying on the couch cuddling one of the cats when she suddenly sat up and tumbled backwards, striking her head on the coffee table with a gut-wrenching crack. I was less than half a metre away but I wasn’t quick enough to catch her. I snatched her up to discover what seemed to be a huge amount of blood pouring from her scalp, drenching her within seconds. We raced out the door to the neighbour’s house for help and while I shook with fear and held her, she was swiftly cleaned up and assessed. She was just fine.

Watch and learn

Today at the park I watched The Bean race headlong down a grassy hill and pulled out my camera to record the inevitable tumble. She cried out for a moment (just in case anyone was listening) and then calmly picked herself up, dusted off her hands, and proceeded to repeat this sequence three more times. As I snapped away, I idly wondered if I was being a bad mother, or if I was, as I hoped, actually doing her good by letting her fall down and hopefully learn a thing or two about running down slopes?

On the right path

Graduation day for my Fearless Flyers course involved a return flight to Melbourne. The flight there was difficult to say the least, and also slightly embarrassing when upon landing the crew invited the rest of the passengers to give our group a round of applause (presumably for not freaking out and causing an incident). After a pretty incredible day visiting the air traffic control centre, the crew training centre, and spending some time in a flight simulator worth tens of millions of dollars, we flew home to enjoy a graduation ceremony of sorts involving champagne and an overwhelming sense of relief. 

Eyes on the prize

As a child and a teen I flew a lot taking overseas holidays with my family and, after my parents separated, visiting my dad in Manila where he had been posted for work. After my first panic attack, flying became extremely difficult for me and my anxiety grew with each and every flight. Over time, it wasn’t just the flight itself that made me anxious but everything to do with flying—airports, thinking about airports, seeing planes in the air or on TV, even thinking about a holiday or packing a suitcase.

Decisions, decisions...

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.” Elizabeth Stone

I recently read an article about how a baby’s cells transfer to mum during pregnancy, and how they can remain in mums body forever. How a baby literally becomes a part of her. How amazing is that?

There was a time where I couldn’t imagine how a baby would ever fit into our life, but true to the old cliché, from the moment The Bean was born I have struggled to imagine a life without her. Now that we are trying for number two, I have found myself wondering how we will fit another baby into our lives (and our little home). This time around I am approaching the idea of falling pregnant with a lot more excitement and a little less anxiety.*

A place for adventure

When we bought our first home a few years ago we didn’t give much thought to the massive park at the end of the street. It is only now that we have a toddler that we are realising just how big a part it is going to play in our family, and how many childhood memories it will provide for The Bean. It is an amazing, beautifully maintained space.

The park brings a vibrant feel to our neighbourhood that is usually lacking in this sleepy town. Some days it seems it is almost a living thing—when the sky is grey and the park is empty, it appears lonely and bereft. When the sun is shining the park hums with noise and activity and the energy is tangible.

Just three things?

“Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realise there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” Lao Tzu

In my darker moments it is easy to focus on things I perceive to be wrong with my life or the world at large. It can be easy to get caught in a downward spiral of regret, resentment and despair.

I once started a ‘gratitude journal’ where I was to write down three things at the end of each day that I was grateful for. My journal lasted exactly one day. It struck me as ridiculous that I should have to sit down and think about three things when there are countless things that I am grateful for each and every day. How could I possibly narrow it down to just three?

Past, present and future

“When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be” – Lao Tzu

I can’t pinpoint what triggered many of my fears, nor can I provide any rational explanation for them. I can however pinpoint the day that my life took a course that I wasn’t expecting – a life that became riddled with doubt, insecurity and fear.

My first panic attack was dramatic, unexpected, and without an obvious trigger. I was 18 years old, it was the middle of the day, one moment I was driving along the highway and the next I was screeching to a halt on the gravel shoulder having crossed three lanes of traffic.

Red and yellow and pink and green...

The Bean and I had a lovely day celebrating Father’s Day, albeit without dada. The nature of my husband’s work means that he works shifts, and rarely knows if he is going to finish on time. Typically of a special occasion, he ended up having to do overtime today.

The Bean and I did some drawing in the morning, chased the cats around for a while, and practised counting (…eight, nine, ten, yellow). We had a walk and then a picnic in the park in the gorgeous Canberra spring sunshine for lunch. We put on a Play School CD and danced around the dining room together. We curled up on the couch and read “Har Carly” (Hairy Maclary) and ‘Where is the Green Sheep’ before her afternoon sleep. All in all a perfect, relaxed day with my little girl, but of course there was one thing missing…

Prepare for takeoff

What do Star Trek, a fear of flying, and my husband’s knack for rhyming couplets have in common? Without these three things, my beautiful daughter would never have been born. I’ll explain this in time.

A wonderful friend of mine recently started her own blog and she was the inspiration—the final push—for me to start to record more than the just the good times in my life, but also the difficult elements that I have thus far been too afraid to share with most people I know.

I am careful about how I present myself to the world through mediums such as Facebook. I show my happy pictures and my light-hearted side. I am mindful not to share anything that would impact negatively on mine or my husband’s careers. I showcase the parts of my life that make me happy to get out of bed each morning, the parts that reinforce the wonderful blessings I have in my life.